one rock

one rock
i was told that i was found under a rock
never a wonderful story about my birth
and when I question later
was told
it's just a joke
later still
when questioned
was told that i was making a big deal
out of nothing

nothing...

i have children and would never dream
of telling them
that they were from a rock
or joke about the saying of
that phrase

but it's the rock that
i'm fond of at the moment
for they are quite different
from me and
i am the happier for it

this rock must
tend to her pebbles
write them, call them
and i am the happier for it

8:44 p.m.

it was 8:44 and she said
"i can't imagine how much you do for me"
then i told her that she really doesn't
she said that she was sorry
then she ended with
"i love you very very much"
the hard part was
i couldn't say it back
at 47 i think that i can count on fingers and toes
the amount of times that she has uttered those words
to me
i know that it was a moment of clearity for her
moments that don't come often
it may be that last time that i ever hear anything like that
it was 8:44 p.m.

2 for 5 or 1 for 10

she called from out of the country
she had a tragidy
i listened
i cried, we cried
we talked for 58 minutes
we talked again the next day
twice
for 20 minutes each

mci called the next day and cut off our long distance
because we had a "high total"
58 minutes = 216.66
and the other 20 minutes x 2 was 140. something
a credit card and an hour later it was back on
so......
2- 5 minutes calls or 1- 10 minute call
each day
and
we are better now
now that we have 2 for 5 or 1 for 10
each day

everyday

7:55 and 4

she called at 7:55am and she passed at 4. it was Roz who called and Lillian passed from this life at 4 yesterday, Lillian is her mother.

through her tears she could barely get out the words
so i had to help
after a long battle with cancer her mother could no longer
fight the fight
she will join her husband
who had taken this journey 33 years before her

i remember how
when her mother would leave the house
Roz would stand outside and wave
Lillian would turn the corner
and she would still wave
because she knew
something i didn't know yet
Lillian would back up
in just a moment
and check
that her daughter was still there
waving...

Roz would later tell me things weren't
always perfect with their relationship

Roz was always there for Lil
it was a broken voice of a child
that called me this morning
"i miss her so much" she was sobbing
the only thing i could say was
she is no longer in pain
hold on to Natalie and David
and the easiest
i love you so very much
i'll be there on tuesday

a preplaned flight to help with
the sale of my mothers house
was it by chance
i don't think so
i wanted to be there for Roz
when this happened
didn't know that i could
because of all that is happening with
my mother, being her caretaker
now i know why i choose
tuesday
to be with Roz
my best friend
now
we will both wave
we will both check to see
if the other one is still
waving
and

we will

azalea's and 1 butterfly

thought that i would put something possitive on my blog. i took this picture saturday of the azalea bushes and butterflies that were on them. it was a glorious day. we worked in the yard all day and this was a moment of peace.
it was WONDERFUL , this one butterfly is so graceful and peaceful.

130 and 50 to go

O'Neill is almost not letting me write this. Just saw that my son has started a blog and this may be the way that i will find out what is going on in his mission. Cleo is upstairs and I'm sure that she will call my name any second and my "time" will be up. It's another surreal day in the life of a caretaker of an ALZ mother that never really liked or wanted me. She is on some meds that we are having to lower the dosage so the she will not be so zombie like. It's so sad to see her like this, mumbling sentences that make no sense AT ALL. Things should be looking up in a month or so...... it's a big secret.
oh there's the call......
time to go.....

1 letter off

i'm an idiot!!!! i hadn't post in so long that i forgot my password and the email that i had entered was one letter off.
there have been thousands of words in my mind and most not so possitive. taking care of an ailing mother that, doesn't even like me. being constantly reminded of why i moved 2000 miles away from her. ok ok ok i'm finished whining....................... not really, but for now i am.

it snowed just two days ago and it's all gone. the pup loves to eat the snow and i love to watch him do it. at 18 months old, and still a puppy, but at 130 pounds he is so much fun!!! i just love that dog, oops am i bad, i meant boy!!! he's all boy.

better tomorrow................

525,600 minutes

the goal was a year
for a season
a bit of time

it just seems like forever

3 minutes

i have three minutes to post. i really need to clean the house to give myself the option of being creative. yesterday i had cards to make for a card swap and i couldn't do a thing. i tried a new technique and it failed, then another and it failed. i finaly made the cards and they were not good at all, and late, they were due today, three states away.
i have so little time to myself and i didn't realize how much energy this new venture of caretaker would take. but it's only a season. i must remember this .

the third time

we watched in awe
he and i
how can something that beautiful be so silent
so we watched in kind
together

she changes everything
and never makes a sound

all he can think of is getting out there and biteing her
running all over her
and making her yellow

all i can think of is how she can change an entire landscape
and not brag about it
but, she never does

we go outside to enjoy her
he, biteing and pranceing
me, feeling her on my face and watching him enjoy her

for the third time this year it snowed
we woke up to a beautiful blanket of white
perfect white
silently changing everything

my 120 pound great dane puppy, o'neill
and i
sitting on the sofa by the window
looking outside
in awe of what mother nature can do with out a word
so we followed in kind
watching without a word

the first, second one

i am the second child, and was treated like the first one. ya know, how the first child is the one that the parents get used to parenting on. this makes for a very interesting birth order conundrum... where does that put me?
after 47 years, i think that i have figured it out. in the drivers seat!!!
who am i kidding, who knows. i just wanted an outlet for feelings and thoughts.